That's funny... oh, not really.
We will go over privately send comments as well. It feels like a suspected retaliation due to us having issues with you leaving the stove on unattended for over two hours. Oh well, here we go!
1. Utterly disgusting toilet and mirror? All clean! Mirrors are old and we can't remove the slight haze though.
2. Terribly slow WiFi? Come on, it's a 100 mbps fiber connection with AC WiFi. Not as fast as, perhaps, in Europe, but very reasonable by New Zealand standards.
3. Trash everywhere. You mean baby toys? We have a one year old baby. Kind of expected :)
4. No breakfast? You woke up at 5AM to go for your hike. Really, you wanted us to wake up as well to make you a toast? Help yourself, everything is clearly labeled :)
5. 24 min walk to town? Idk, last time I checked on (Hidden by Airbnb) Maps it says 15 min to the CBD. That's what it takes us as well. Walk faster :) Again, this isn't Europe where you could walk around the corner and find a restaurant, a pub, a bakery and many other things.
6. Sticky handles of the cabinets? We made them harder to open so our daughter doesn't endanger herself.
I highly recommend that you stay in a 5-star hotel next time :)